Basic Bitch Bride

Editor Gemma Walsh trying on wedding dresses

Editor: Gemma Walsh

You know what’s worse than a basic bitch… A basic bitch bride and I’ve turned into one.


I’m continuously thinking about tablecloth colours. I love grey, but has it been done too much already? Will people judge me if I don’t have tablecloths? Cause it’s a wedding not a BBQ, right?

And I’m on the god forsaken “Bride diet” … you know the one where the bride loses so much weight she’s barely recognisable, but then binges on the honeymoon and Bam! Those 10kg are back. Yeah, that will be me.

But right now, I’m trying to fit into sample size designer bridal gowns…. Which are still too small but if I squint, I can kinda see what it’s supposed to look like if I wasn’t squeezed in like a little sausage. I’m being told to use my imagination a lot, which is hard when all I can think about is tablecloths.

I also had a total basic bitch bride meltdown at Suzanne Howard in Melbourne.

Bawling your eyes out in dress #26, because you just feel “Completely over-whelmed," Nahhh, that would never be me. It was.

I didn’t want this to happen, I was going to be the cool bride, the one with the breezy south-west wedding, just rocking up looking phenom in my Harriette Gordon silk slip dress.

But no, here I am dressless (turns out slip dresses are hard to pull off, even if you're only eating carrots for lunch), hungry (carrot anyone?) and continuously thinking about tablecloths.

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